This New Year

4 Jan

Alright. I have been feeling like a louse for not blogging more. Needless to say my life has been crazy busy the past couple months. I’ve made friends, lost them, found a home and created a life for me and my daughter. 

Everyone makes New Year’s resolutions. I have never kept a one of them. So instead, I usually just think of the ways I’ve been trying to make my life better, and perpetuate that. It’s not so much a resolution, as it is remembering the things that make me a better person. 

There is one thing I learned from my parents that I will always, always strive to practice. They are religious people, I am not, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t lessons I can learn from them. The most important is this; the people you care about are more important than petty disagreements or your pride. Hanging on to being right all the time is silly. Is being right really more important than a loved one? Honestly, I usually find that I was at least a little in the wrong most of the time anyway.

Sometimes people wrong you. I am in no way saying you should undervalue yourself and forgive for anything. What I’m saying is, don’t be too proud to admit that you’re wrong. Don’t be too proud to throw the fight if it’s over something stupid. If someone you love really needs to win one, let them win one. Is that so bad? No, it’s not. 

I am a skeptic to begin with. It’s hard for me to really trust someone, so when I do, I know that it’s important to keep them in my life. Even when that means sacrificing my ego. 

I’m terrible at this next one. For reals. 

Don’t undervalue yourself. 

I am so, so bad at this. I constantly let people make me feel worthless. I let people get in my head. They say mean things to me and they’re jerks and I let them be that way because I don’t love myself enough. The thing is, when I do love myself, I am so much happier. I find friends whom I adore and who adore me back. Life is better when you don’t hate yourself. 

We all have bad days. Good friends will understand that and be there for you when you need them. At the drop of a hat. Seriously, if you have a “friend” who ignores you and tells you that you need to “toughen up” when you legitimately need them, they are not a friend. Get them the fuck out of your life. You don’t need that. Everyone hurts. Everyone needs someone sometimes. Surround yourself with someones who won’t hurt you when that time comes. 

In conclusion I give you this final bit of advice:

Examine your life. Know who truly cares about you, and who is only there to take from you. Friendship and relationships of any kind must be give and take. You cannot give and give and give and get nothing in return. It will kill you. There are so many amazing, wonderful people with love to give. I hope every one of you knows at least one. I hope every single one of you finds more and more of them as the years go by. 

 

Happy New Year, and stay nerdy! 

 

<3Sarah

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Suicide Blog

10 Sep

So, I had no idea there was such a thing as Suicide Awareness Day. It’s good, I suppose. When I saw the suicide hotline tweets this morning, I wanted to say something mean to them. Tell them they couldn’t help because they would never understand. That’s not fair of me. 

I don’t know what kind of people you talk to on suicide hotlines. For all I know, they could have gone through depression, or a billion other things that might make you want to kill yourself. All I know is that the times I tried to kill myself, there was no one there. 

There was a counselor who sneakily got me to admit myself to a hospital. She said I should rest a few days, get away from everything. Let me tell you this, a mental ward in a hospital is not a restful place. It’s a place full of judgmental nurses who talk to you like a five year old with a knife. It’s a place full of hard lines and tiny windows that face other windows. It’s a place that still has a VHS player and only stocks tapes that are all happy bunny-fluff bullshit. It’s not a healthy place to be if you’re contemplating suicide. 

So I guess a hotline is better? Right? I dunno, I haven’t tried it, so I can’t really recommend one. 

What I can do, is tell you my story.

I was 21 years old the first time. I was dating a guy I adored with all my heart. I was drinking. A lot. As those newly of age are wont to do. I was happy, but there was anger and pain inside me. I was angry at my parents for forcing religion on me for 18 years. I was in pain because every relationship I attempted failed miserably. I had issues. Big, ugly, emotional issues. 

I went to Missoula, Montana to visit my boyfriend. He was going to school there. It was an awesome town and I loved it. I was going to move there with my beau, attend U of M and have an awesome life. That was the plan. But, plans hardly ever work out the way you want them to. I got the phone call while we were out shopping. I needed some new pajamas or something. My Aunt Katie was dying. 

She had been suffering from congenital heart failure for some time. The doctors wouldn’t operate on her because she was too heavy. Her only option was to lay in bed and waste away, waiting for that merciful day when her heart would stop and the pain would be over. 

My mom and dad called me, told me that she probably had hours left to live, and handed the phone to my Aunt. She could no longer speak, but was aware of her surroundings and could hear. I melted to the floor of the pajama section of the Missoula WalMart. This was it. The very last words I would ever say to Aunt Katie were about to come out of my mouth. 

I don’t remember all I said. I remember the pair of forest green shorts by my head, and the little embroidered bit on the hem that I rubbed between my index finger and thumb. It was hard to speak. I was failing at fighting back tears, and my throat felt like someone had a hold of it. The words I do remember saying were “I love you. I love you so much.” 

The call dropped at that point. I didn’t have the strength to call back. I can honestly say that saying goodbye to my Aunt Katie over the phone in WalMart has been one of the lowest points in my life. 

I should have gotten on a greyhound and made my way down to Redding right then. My boyfriend would have supported that decision. Instead, I tucked it all away. I went out and bought a bottle of Sailor Jerry’s rum. For those of you who drink, you’ll know that it’s 92 proof. We went to a party that night, and I polished off most of the bottle straight. On my own. 

It was the first time I ever blacked out from drinking. I don’t remember a damn thing. Later, I learned some very important details from that night. 

A week later I was home. At the time I was living in Monmouth, Oregon, going to school at Western Oregon University. I was cleaning the apartment I shared with some friends. The sun was shining and I was happy. My mother called me. 

They were on their way home from California. On their way home from Aunt Katie’s funeral, to be more exact. 

My heart dropped out of my chest. I didn’t even know she was dead. I told my mother as much, and asked her (in a very yellie kind of voice) why in the hell was I not invited to the funeral. My mother, bless her heart, stayed completely calm and explained to me the following. 

She had called that same night, while I was at the party. As soon as Aunt Katie had died, she called me. I answered. She told me that the funeral would be a week from that night and asked me if I wanted her to buy me a bus ticket to come down. I told her I was in Missoula and wouldn’t be back in Oregon yet. You see, being blackout drunk, I was only able to tell her what my plan was and was not able to absorb the fact that a very important person in my life had just died, and I needed to adjust my priorities. 

Apparently I don’t slur when I’m drunk. My mother had no idea I was blackout drunk. She had no reason to suspect that I couldn’t make decisions when she called me. So she said ok, and told me she loved me and hung up the phone. She didn’t call again until after the funeral. 

I lost it completely. 

You know how in movies and television shows, someone makes one bad decision and the worst possible thing ever happens as a consequence? Well, that’s not just a sitcom writer’s take on life. That’s real fucking life. It really does happen. No one deserves it, but as I’ve said before, bad things happen to good people. 

It was less than a month later when I found myself drunk and cheating on the man I loved. I hated myself for missing Aunt Katie’s funeral, and I hated myself for what I’d done to betray the person who meant more to me than anything in life. I disgusted myself. What better way to ensure I didn’t fuck up anything else than just take myself out of the picture altogether? 

By this point I was taking anti-depressants and sleeping pills. I also kept my liquor cabinet well stocked. You can use your imagination at this point to fill in the blanks. 

And voila! Mental ward patient. I’ll save the detailed stay in the crazy bin for a later blog. It’s not important as far as what I’m trying to say. 

It’s not worth it. 

It is so not worth it. I tried many more times that year to kill myself. I also became a cutter, a habit which I have yet to kick entirely. Don’t. Just don’t do it. 

If you stop now, you won’t end up like me. An emotional slave to a destructive tendency. I didn’t want to cause my family and friends more pain. You know what? Killing yourself is a really, really dumb way to try and save your friends and family pain. I mean, come on! You know why? They care, and they will blame themselves for not paying more attention to you. 

I know that’s not what you’re trying to achieve, but that’s how it will end. Why? Because they fucking love you. 

Somewhere out there, there is a young person who looks up to you. A sister or brother, cousin, or maybe just a friend. What are they supposed to do when you kill yourself? What kind of message does that send to someone who thinks the world of you? 

Your parents love you. You may not think so now. I have issues with my parents to this day but you know what? I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that they love me. I also know that they would do anything. Absolutely anything to keep me on this Earth. So would yours. And if you’re absolutely sure they don’t love you, there are more people than just your parents around. 

You have potential. No matter who you are, or what you do, you have the potential to do great things. You have the potential to create! Be it art, industry or even life, you can do something to make this planet better. When you are in pain, just think, you will have the chance someday to make things better. 

Your friends want you around. Stop being stupid about someone not calling you back, or someone being a total jerk. You know you have real, true friends who would be heart broken to hear that you are in pain. If you don’t tell them straight out, how are they supposed to know?! Talk to them. We all have trouble opening up, but isn’t it worth one last try? Just hang in there a little bit longer and open the fuck up to someone who will listen. 

And if all that fails, you have me. 

That’s right. I just shared something with you that I haven’t shared with many people ever. Maybe one or two. Why am I sharing it now? Because I care. I survived! I am still alive and I’m glad I am. My life has meaning and promise. I had to go through so much hardship, even after being in the hospital, but I am here now and it is worth it. 

Living is all we have. If you need someone to talk to, I will listen. If you are in pain and feel like you don’t want to face another day, please, tell me. I honestly do care. I honestly believe that you deserve a chance. 

My email is nerdfancy@gmail.com if you need to get something off your chest, I’m not going to judge you. I have been there. I have done terrible things in life and I felt as though I did not deserve to live. I was wrong. 

This is my contribution to Suicide Awareness Day. It’s real and scary. People who have not experienced it can’t understand it, but I have and I can. If you have a friend you’re worried about, send them a link to this blog, or post it where you know they’ll see it. I promise, something can be done. 

This Really Bothers Me

30 Aug

Ok, guys. This one is going to get personal because I feel very strongly about this particular issue. 

Today, a friend of mine posted a Facebook status saying he had the feeling that something bad was going to happen. Well, in the nature of Facebook, some know-it-all couldn’t let that one slide without pretending like they know everything. A rude comment was hastily made along the lines of “you’re making something bad happen to yourself by putting bad vibes into the universe.” What? 

Seriously, go fuck yourself. 

This line of bullshit is a particular peeve of mine. You know why? Bad things happen to good people all the time and these hippie-dippy assholes would have you believe that the good people are at fault for the bad stuff. I’m sorry, this is absolutely not true. 

It doesn’t matter how fucking cheerful and sunny you are. Something bad will happen to you at some point and it is not your fault. You could not have done anything to prevent what will certainly happen. This is just part of life. 

I was raped. That’s right, I’m sharing it with the whole interwebs. I was raped. Details are irrelevant, it happened, and it was awful. For years I blamed myself because of being fed bullshit lines like “well, you haven’t made the best choices” and “you get back what you put out in the universe.” Years of hating myself and being utterly ashamed of what happened to me because self-important, happy-go-lucky jerk wads like to tell other people they’re wrong. 

I did not deserve what happened to me. I did not bring it upon myself. If a woman says no, it means no. No matter what the circumstances. This was a bad, bad thing that happened to me for no reason. There was no moral benefit or lesson learned from the pain ensued. It happened. The end. 

The fact that there are people in the world who want me to believe that if I had just been perkier in life this wouldn’t have happened to me, makes me perpetually angry. Just because nothing bad has happened to you yet, doesn’t mean that it won’t. 

Here’s the bottom line, people. Things will happen. Life is unavoidable for the living. There is absolutely no way to prevent pain and suffering. What we can do is keep our heads up. It is our own will and determination that gets us through the trials life throws at us. It’s not a god. It’s not “positive energy.” It’s us. It’s you, it’s me, it’s everyone we love. 

As humans, we fall constantly. That’s why someone invented the term “human nature.” We will always stumble, fail and do stupid things. You know what else is part of human nature? Compassion, forgiveness and determination. Those we love will always forgive our shortcomings. We will always find the strength to keep going after something terrible happens. We are human, and we are amazing. 

Don’t ever let anyone make you think that you brought pain and suffering on yourself. It’s just part of life. The true test of character is when we work through the bad parts and come out stronger on the other side. Denying that something bad will ever happen to you because of your sunny disposition is just ignorant and childish. It’s also very offensive to people who have had to deal with real life. 

Before you say stupid things like that in a public forum, stop and think of all the children who have lost their parents, all the women and men who have been sexually assaulted and all the lovers who have been ignored and denied. It’s not their fault. When you say we can avoid pain and bad things by “thinking positive” you are insulting every single one of those people. You are being rude, thoughtless and mean. 

We can’t avoid pain. We can only hold on to the good in life and persevere. Remember, there are people who love you and who would do anything for you. Next time you feel like life is pressing in and you can’t deal anymore, reach out to someone who cares. Don’t let the lies some people tell get you down. They’ll learn eventually. 

Being a Girl, Being a Geek

21 Aug

It’s harder than you think.

No, really, it is. Especially when people are waiting at every corner to mock your nerd cred.

“Nerd Cred?” you ask, “does that actually exist?”

Well, no, not really. There are waaaay too many kinds of geek out there to be able to quantify any kind of point system for being a geek. Seriously, people, if you like something, you like something. It’s as simple as that. Yet, people find it imperative to constantly berate others because they think you’re not as nerdy as they are.

First off, the entire movement where people are actually bragging about being a nerd, like it’s something highly respected is just weird to me. I am 100% proud of being a nerd. I would have it no other way, but shows like The Big Bang Theory have actually started this strange trend where being a nerd is cool. Oh, and Hipsters. Don’t forget Hipsters. While I will be the first to admit that people who pretend to be nerds just to get some action annoy me to no end, that doesn’t mean that ALL good looking geeks are fakes.

As a decent looking lady geek, so many people underestimate my geekiness.

Sarah

That’s me in my super silly costume glasses.

Especially since I am also a fan of fashion and makeup. I love me some beauty products. So, since I’m a girl, and I like girly things, I can’t be a geek? Apparently all girls who are geeks are supposed to wear nothing but WoW shirts and ill-fitting jeans. Oh, and god forbid they wear any makeup. Makeup means you’re not really nerdy…because of…a rule…somewhere…Does anyone know where this is written down? Because I can’t figure it out.

The thing that bothers me the most about the ridicule is that it is mostly girl vs. girl abuse. Girls devoid of style are insulting girls who enjoy the girlier things in life. Unstylish ladies have every right to be unstylish. That’s their choice, but they absolutely should not ridicule and undermine those who choose differently.

Recently my friend Molly McIsaac  was called out on her own blog for knowing nothing about “geek girl style.” Molly is the epitome of geek girl style. A fashionista who knows how to put together an outfit with subtle, nerdy flair. Just ask her to tweet you some pics of her awesome jewelry. She can also nerd trivia with the best of ’em. Seriously, she is most likely way geekier than you are, so don’t try and accuse her of being a fake nerd.

The lovely Molly McIsaac.

The bottom line is this: DON’T JUDGE. If anyone, boy or girl, claims to be a nerd, there’s every possibility that they’re actually as nerdy as they say no matter what they dress like. Have a conversation with them. It will become readily apparent whether or not their claims to nerddom are true or not.

Oh, and ladies, don’t be afraid to look fabulous just because people might question your “nerd cred.” Know who you are and know that you are AWESOME.

The Cold Heart Breaks

25 May

The pang of rejection is too much to take. 

It’s one thing when it’s with writing. I actually believe that I’m a good writer, and I know that as long as I keep going, I’ll be found. It’s other things that make me lose faith in the world, people, and most importantly, myself. 

It seems being young is a crime against logic and passion. At the age of nearly 27 one could never hope to grasp concepts as deep and important as love and obligation, right? We are, all of us, just a bunch of idiots running around with no clue as to how our bodies work or how our brains function. We require more work, apparently, before we are a suitable match for anyone worth caring about.

On top of being young, I have committed the cardinal sin of being honest. No one ever, ever wants you to be honest. To say “fuck you, society, I’m going to tell people exactly how I’m feeling” is something so absolutely terrifying, that you are immediately branded as impetuous and insincere. Take it from someone who has been completely honest about their feelings for the past few months, it will only bring you pain.

If this is how you people treat honesty and sincere affection, it’s no wonder the world is clammed up about it. What reason do we have to throw our hearts completely into our endeavors? It is constantly rejected and thrown back in our faces. Why would we continue to torture ourselves when there is no happiness to be had at the end of a long, long road where you’ve exposed yourself to the one person who could truly hurt you to your core? It’s madness.

So, please, take me lightly. Continue to assume that I don’t know what I’m talking about. Because all you people have so much more experience than I do in matters of the heart. I guess you’re operating under the assumption that I’ll just get over it and heal quickly because I’m young. Let me tell you, I am putting my entire being into this. Why? Because I know what’s right. I know when it needs to be said and I know when it would be foolish to let it pass me by. Believe me when I say that I will carry the scars of this rejection forever. 

I will grow old, and bitter, and I will always remember when I tired. I honestly, truly tried to put myself on the line for another human being. I gave everything to prove that I was the right choice, and still, I go unwanted. Unloved. I feel every word like a scalpel to my brain. 

For you, I peel back the flesh, muscle and bone surrounding my heart. I leave myself open and give you the tools you need, yet here I am on a cold, steel table, waiting for you. My heart is trying to stay alive, trying to pump blood to my thirsting body. Each moment it gets harder to do it alone. Each moment brings me closer to a heart that has lost faith in truth and pure, unadulterated love. Each moment brings me closer to a heart that has stopped beating. 

Am I old enough now? Do I know enough of the world to satisfy your standards? 

While there is nothing in my life that is certain, I know what my heart feels. You can’t deny me that. You can’t tell me that I’m too vulnerable to be sure. I know love like you never have, and I’m offering it to you. 

Don’t let me die.

The Little Kickstarter That Can

25 May

Image

In a small corner of Seattle, Washington, there resides a geeky mom and two extraordinary boys named Anakin and Kal-El. In the midst of all the high drama in comicbookdom, this little trio has endeavored to create a webseries called Geeks Shall Inherit the Earth. It’s a series of videos in which Wendy and the boys instruct viewers on how to do geeky crafts that are kid friendly, and are just generally nerdy.

Wendy, Anakin and Kal-El have a dream of creating a quality series that will document their trip down to San Diego Comic Con 2012, stopping at all the geeky locations down the Pacific coast. As a fellow geek mom, I can see the value in a webseries like this. Traveling with kids is a completely different experience. What do kids like to do? What kind of activities are kid friendly? How do I get my geekling involved in the nerd community? These are all questions that geek parents are constantly asking themselves.

Moreover, this project is for Wendy’s beloved boys. A hard-working, single mom is making this webseries the main focus of her life right now. She’s spending time with the kids she loves and encouraging them to follow their creative designs. Seeing love and support like this is probably the most heartwarming thing I’ve seen in a long time.

Geeks Shall Inherit the Earth has a little Kickstarter page that’s gotten lost amidst the turmoil happening in the geek community. It’s in its final weeks with the deadline looming, and it has a long way to go before it’s fully funded. I’m slightly disappointed at us, nerds.

If there’s one thing we can all agree on, it’s that the generation of tiny geeklings popping up across the world is a good thing. Far more than that, it’s a wonderful thing. So how are we letting this genuine product of love go unfunded? Take a break from trolling the comment sections of news sites, and put some energy towards something that’s uplifting.

The series is only $965 into their $10,000 goal with a meer 23 days to go. We can do this. I have seen nerddom rise up and achieve so much more than this. We are a community that is bonded over a mutual love of all things nerdy, a handful of us would be enough to see this project come to life.

Head over to youtube to see a minisode of the series: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YmMjaIatm08

Then, head over to the Kickstarter. Even if you can only tweet about it or share the link on facebook, everything helps. www.geeksinherit.com

Something I Need to Do

25 May

There’s something I need to do. To hold myself to. I need to write every day. I do write daily, but it’s mostly tiny scraps of nothing that get thrown away and forgotten.

I’m going to write a page a day. Just a little autobiographical snippet each day. I want to write it well, and in my own narrative style.

I’m not going to draw, because I’m just not good at art. I’m going to write, because that’s what I do. I write, and I need to breathe it.

I’ve also decided to make it public for the sake of accountability. I will probably change names of others sometimes, as I don’t want to put my friends in an uncomfortable position.

Anyway. My first entry will be tonight. After I put my kid to bed. See you then.